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Passengers in the train:
- "O, God, O, God, O God! - moan one passenger
- "What happened?" - asking another
- "The farther we go - I'm getting totally convinced that I took a wrong train!" -
Grandma asking her grandson:
- What did you do with this pot? It was so black... It took me forever to clean it up!!
- Grandma, that was Teflon!!!.... with big disappointment grandson noticed -
In the pharmacy:
- Do you have anything for diarrhea?
- No
- Then give me, please band-aid! Faster!!!!.... - What is a meaning of love? - When two idiots want to have the third one!
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Husband to his wife:
- Dear, scientists just counted that man saying 2200words per day, but woman - 4400 words!
Wife:
- Of course! Everything we saying we have to repeat twice!!
Husband:
- What did you said, dear? -
Doctors office:
- Where is you ulcer?
- She just went to her parents.. -
- I would like you to admit my son to your music school.
- Sorry, but he has absolutely no musical ear
- Common, you need to teach him how to play, not to listen! -
- Would you admit my grandson to your musical school?
- Sorry, but he has absolutely no musical ear
- Common, when I call him, he always responds! - When people die, they are going to heaven. Pinocchio - to IKEA
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Two girlfriends:
- I am so happy, I lost 5 pounds
- Wow! What did you do? Shaved your legs? -
Phone conversation between girlfriends:
- He asks me about my age so unexpectedly, that I almost told him the truth! -
Emergency room. Woman patient complains:
- Take a look at these jerks! All of them gathered around this prostitute! To get their attention I had to undress myself and lay down!! - Sign in the hospital lobby:" As a courtesy to our patents we release bodies every day between 3-5 pm".
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Fresh market:
- What did you fed your chicken with?
- Why are you asking?
- I want to lose weight and would like to be on his diet! -
During tough time's one neighbor to another:
- Dear, if you would allow me to fry my eggs in your butter, I would allow you to cook your chicken in my soup -
In airport:
- What is your name?
- Well, my name consist of two words: one- what was promised to us before election and another- what we got after...?
- So, what is your name?
- My name is Heaven-dick - Every successful man earns more money, than his wife can spend.
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Bank's manager asks his assistant:
- Mr. Berg, how much is going to be 2x2?
- Sir! Are we buying or selling? -
Doctor's office. Patient:
- Doc, something wrong with me...
- Tell me please where do you feel discomfort?
- ... In my ass...
- Dear, what can be good there? What did you expect? -
Husband calls his wife:
- Dear, what do you like the most: peaches or bananas?
- Honey, where are you? Are you at fresh market?
- No, I am at the pharmacy... -
Teacher asks students to write a composition and to use the following words: queen, secret, sex and God...
The shortest composition was: "O, God!-moans the queen- "I am pregnant and I don't know who is a father!" -
Why married man gains weight a lot faster then a single man?
- Single man comes home, opens a door of refrigerator, sees that it is empty and goes right to bed.
- Married man comes home, goes directly to the bed, see what's in the bed and goes back to the refrigerator and starts eating! -
Two girlfriends:
- Finally I had a date with Greg, who I met on internet. He was in a Mercedes 1928!!
- It's great! It is a very expansive car!
- Yes! But he is an original owner! -
Two sociologists:
- In my practice I noticed lately that young people our days afraid to get married...
- Well, at their age I had no idea what it means to be afraid, until I got married! -
One guy always purchased shoes for himself two sizes smaller, than he really needed. Finally his friend asked him what was the reason for it and received a response:
- Look, my wife left me and took with her kids, money, house and a car... Now, when I come home and take off my shoes - I feel like I am in the heaven. -
What is a difference between parrot and a man?
- Parrot at least sometimes tells a compliment! -
During survey one man was asked:
- What would be Cindy Crawford if you would change her face?
- Cindy Crawford
- What would be Cindy Crawford if you would change her legs?
- Cindy Crawford
- What if you change both?
- Well, then it's going to be my wife. - Wife is a family hearth, where family's budget is burned down!
- If your wife silent for a long time doesn't interrupt her...
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- What is the main reason for divorce?
- Wedding! -
- Is there life on Mars?
- Well, I am more interested when life is going to start on Earth! -
- In the supermarket:
- What kind of sardine do you prefer? Italian, Norwegian or Swiss?
- What is the difference? I am not planning to talk to them! -
Hostess asks her guest:
- How would you prefer your tea with sugar or without it?
- When I'm visiting - with sugar, when I'm at home - without it...
- Then, please, feel yourself at home! -
Doctors' party, one doctor to another:
- We have so many enemies in this life...
- Well, we'll have even more in another! -responds another doctor. -
One businessman to another:
- I have such a smart, beautiful, kind, generous and friendly wife...
- Listen, Parks - interrupted him another - seems your business doing really bad that you decide to sell me your wife! -
Two friends:
- Do you like an ugly woman?
- No.
- Do you like a woman who can not cook?
- No.
- Do you like a woman, who never cleans the house?
- No.
- Then why are you looking at my wife? -
Two friends:
- My wife lives with a baker...
- Why do you think he is a baker?
- Because I always find a bread crumbs in my bed...
- It is nothing!
- Why do you think it is nothing?
- Because my wife lives with a plumber.
- How do you know?
- Every time I come home - I see plumber in my bed! -
Photo shop: Woman asking clerk:
- Are all my photos ready?
- Yes!
- Even number 27?
- Yes!
- How much I own you?
- $ 20.000.00
- For 36 photos?
- No! For my silence! -
Wife to her husband before long business trip:
- Dear, don't spent money on something you have at home for free... -
Two neighbors:
- My dog saved my live!
- How?
- He did not allow doctor to enter my house!