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Lecture the in medical school. Professor:
- Medicine is not a precise science - Don't expect your money back! -
Doc, I have a problem with alcohol..
- What problem?
- I don't have money.. -
Doc! In the morning I was suicidal and decided to take 100 pills of Tylenol...
- So...
- After second pill I already felt better!! -
In the doctor's office.
- Did you have surgery?
- Yes, I did.
- Aha... So...
- $10.000.00
- I meant: What was wrong with you?
- I had only $5.000.00
- You still don't understand... What is your complain?
- It was very expansive! - Snake was the first free doctor. That is why doctors decided to make her a symbol of medicine.
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Doctor screaming in his office: "Everybody F... me!!"
- Voice of his patient from another room: "I feel the same!!!" -
One doctor asking another...
- How would you define a bad surgery?
- Bad surgery - it is a half of a good autopsy! -
Doc, doc...- moaning patient
- What?
- Doc, you remove wrong tooth!!!
- Don't worry, don't worry I'll do the right one in a moment!!! -
O, dear God! Where are your teeth?
- I left them in the doctor's office! - Doc, do you know that there are no pockets in the coffin?
-
Two neighbors:
- Dear. How old is your son?
- 13
- Well... well... it is too late to do an abortion -
Patient calling his doctor:
- Hello, doc! I have diarrhea, could I have a bath?
- Mm... Sure, if you can fill it up! -
Doctor's office.
- Doc: "How old are you?"
- Patient: 40
- Doc: "But according to your medical record you are 50 years old"
- Patient: "Yes, but 10 years I spent in jail"
- Doc:"Well, does it means you were alive!"
- Patient: "I don't think that it was life" -
"Doc! Please help my son in law! I shot him in the leg!!
- Doc: "What happen? Who in the right mind going to shoot his own son in law?"
- "Well, when I was shot him, he was refusing to be my son in law!" -
From patient's medical charts:
- "No psychiatry problem observed, Diagnosis: simple idiot..."
-"Patient behaves badly - second surgery was performed..."
-"After long and intensive treatment patient was discharge under supervision of pathologist." -
In the doctor's office.
- Doc: "...So, tell me what is wrong with you"
- Patient: "well, I have problem with money and women, I have neither." -
Physician office.
- "Doc! I need your advice regarding my uncle. He has maniacal idea that he is a chicken"
- "Sorry, it is not my field. He needs to see psychiatrist."
- "No way! Who is going to bring me fresh eggs every morning?" -
Two doctors having conversation:
-"Do you remember that patient with double personality?"
-"Yes, I do. What you trying to say?"
-"Well, I convinced both of them to pay for the visit!" -
-"Doctor, what should I do to live longer?"
-"Well, you need to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop making love to the woman" - advised doctor.
-"Doc, if I would follow your advice, do you think I'm going to live longer?"
-"No, but I promise you, that your life going to look for you like eternity!" -
"Doctor, I am 75 years old already, but still running after young girls"
"Wonderful!" - doctor replied
"Of course, but by the time I catch them, I can't remember what I did it for!" -
Wife addresses her husband: "Dear, doctor advised that I need a treatment either in Hawaii, or Caribbean, or Virgin Islands.". "So, where are we going?"
"We going to see another doctor"- husband replied. -
Medical student runs into doctor's office screaming:
"Doctor, doctor, patient from room 25 looks worse!!!"
"Well, take it easy, my young friend. You are over reacting, give him time and write in his chart that patient thinks that he feels worse" - very calmly doctor responds.
Next morning same student very slowly enters doctors office and saying:
"Doctor, patient from room 25 thinks that he is dead" -
Ophthalmology office.
"Doctor, I have hard time to urinate" - patient complains
"You need to see urologist, not me" - doctor replied
"No, no, doctor I need to see you, because every time I urinate my eyes roll out on my forehead..."